I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
