So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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