She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
