JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
