i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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