i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
