fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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