seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I want her autograph on my taint
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
