The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
