twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
