please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
