thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
