The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
