Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
