he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize