guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So vagazzling was a success
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