i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
