I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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