Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
