someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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