the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
All I want is dick and wine.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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