bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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