and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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