Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
