I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
