I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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