just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
