I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
