dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize