I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
