I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize