sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
