Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
