SEEEEXXX PLEASE
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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