I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
