Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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