All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
