i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
