We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
