I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
