who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
