So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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