We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
