i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
