i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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