just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
