I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
