Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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