Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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