She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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