During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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