I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
