Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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