I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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