I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
