I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
