i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
