I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
