he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
