there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
